The Third Wheel Once More: Being *That* Wheel
I am this close to being depressed. I can already feel that familiar numbness rearing it's ugly head at me every time a negative, stray thought passes across the the surface of my mind. Sitting here on my bed, in the privacy of my own room– I feel so incredibly lonely.
A few hours ago, for Tinikling* practice, a friend of mine caught a ride with me, so that she could hang out with the group and watch our progress with the dance. As well as participating in the Despidida* party the adults have prepared for J's family vacation to Europe.
I was excited going to the practice. I thought that I would have a really fun and relaxing time. Instead I was insulted and shamed and god, I felt so humiliated for what F said about me. She claimed to be joking, as V was laughing along with her, and I tried playing it off too, but I felt so alone in that very moment and so fucking vulnerable. I knew I shouldn't take it to heart, but I did and I hate F so much right now. I don't know what to feel about her.
Even if she did "fake" insult me, even if it was just a spur of the moment thing for her to do, to say those horrible things to me, I could never in a million years picture her saying those same things to either V or J, and it hurts so much more to know that they become the exception while I'm made laughing stock.
And right after she said how incredibly fake I am, and I saw no reason at all as to why she would even say that to me, she went on and said that because I was so FUCKING FAKE, she obviously preferred V over me.
How was I was suppose to feel after? Was I suppose to feel happy? Was I suppose to feel awesome and wanted in the group?
NO. God, no. I felt like F's just been tolerating me the whole time. Like everything else would have been so perfect if I wasn't there. If it was just her, J, and V- I mean, who would want me in the group anyway?
They never seem to invite me anywhere. V always seems to be tagging along and I only learn later, while they send me snapchats of the three of them together that I've been left ONCE AGAIN, because that just it, right? That's how it always is. It's okay when we're practicing, because I volunteered to do that. Other than that, when they take time to actually hang out and talk about other things; do I even exist to them? Does the name Jane even strike an emotion of loss when I'm not there like they so frequently do when V is not there, or when F is not there, or when J is not there?
"I miss F," says J.
"We are the bestest friends forever, longest friends forever. She is my best friend," says F.
"I love you F, haha," says V.
All these phrases and words are swimming around in my head and I feel so hurt.
Did my friendship not matter at all. When J and I spoke of our family life in the Philippines and bonded over that fact, did our Best Friend status deflate under the weight of F's friendship, which I'm led to know, wasn't even in solid existence until the start of our dancing group? Did V not care about all those times she has had to rely on me for rides, for friendship, for banter on school rides, and what not.
Am I so easily tossed away for another friend, because they just have each other?
It seems like that to me. And it hurts.
__________________
Despidida Party: a party celebrated to wish vacationers well on their leave, and for them to have a safe return.
Tinikling: a traditional filipino dance, in which two bamboo sticks a joined together in a series of taps, while dancers try to avoid getting their feet caught between two bamboos closing together.
A few hours ago, for Tinikling* practice, a friend of mine caught a ride with me, so that she could hang out with the group and watch our progress with the dance. As well as participating in the Despidida* party the adults have prepared for J's family vacation to Europe.
I was excited going to the practice. I thought that I would have a really fun and relaxing time. Instead I was insulted and shamed and god, I felt so humiliated for what F said about me. She claimed to be joking, as V was laughing along with her, and I tried playing it off too, but I felt so alone in that very moment and so fucking vulnerable. I knew I shouldn't take it to heart, but I did and I hate F so much right now. I don't know what to feel about her.
Even if she did "fake" insult me, even if it was just a spur of the moment thing for her to do, to say those horrible things to me, I could never in a million years picture her saying those same things to either V or J, and it hurts so much more to know that they become the exception while I'm made laughing stock.
And right after she said how incredibly fake I am, and I saw no reason at all as to why she would even say that to me, she went on and said that because I was so FUCKING FAKE, she obviously preferred V over me.
How was I was suppose to feel after? Was I suppose to feel happy? Was I suppose to feel awesome and wanted in the group?
NO. God, no. I felt like F's just been tolerating me the whole time. Like everything else would have been so perfect if I wasn't there. If it was just her, J, and V- I mean, who would want me in the group anyway?
They never seem to invite me anywhere. V always seems to be tagging along and I only learn later, while they send me snapchats of the three of them together that I've been left ONCE AGAIN, because that just it, right? That's how it always is. It's okay when we're practicing, because I volunteered to do that. Other than that, when they take time to actually hang out and talk about other things; do I even exist to them? Does the name Jane even strike an emotion of loss when I'm not there like they so frequently do when V is not there, or when F is not there, or when J is not there?
"I miss F," says J.
"We are the bestest friends forever, longest friends forever. She is my best friend," says F.
"I love you F, haha," says V.
All these phrases and words are swimming around in my head and I feel so hurt.
Did my friendship not matter at all. When J and I spoke of our family life in the Philippines and bonded over that fact, did our Best Friend status deflate under the weight of F's friendship, which I'm led to know, wasn't even in solid existence until the start of our dancing group? Did V not care about all those times she has had to rely on me for rides, for friendship, for banter on school rides, and what not.
Am I so easily tossed away for another friend, because they just have each other?
It seems like that to me. And it hurts.
__________________
Despidida Party: a party celebrated to wish vacationers well on their leave, and for them to have a safe return.
Tinikling: a traditional filipino dance, in which two bamboo sticks a joined together in a series of taps, while dancers try to avoid getting their feet caught between two bamboos closing together.
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